The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
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I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
When I said I liked it rough.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension