My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
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CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Perfection.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.