Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
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Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?