John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
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You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
@ candidates for local office
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?