ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
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When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.