I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
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How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”