Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
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Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Just as the prophecy foretold
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.