Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
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“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
how it started vs how it ended
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”