Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
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A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.