“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
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Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
boat question
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.