“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
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*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
smh
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.