just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
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Another interesting #factupdates post!
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably