If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
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Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then