If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
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HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
My dress code is business-casualty.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.