My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
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Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.