I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
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People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.