Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
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During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her