Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
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[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe