Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
You Might Also Like
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
a lot to unpack here
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone đź‘Ž
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?