Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
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Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that