my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
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Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Simple
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
I need this for my side hustle.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today