If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
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A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Mmmm canned fish.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Nice try Hitler
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
i’m still crying at this
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
I am having an out of money experience.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.