Pretty much! 😂👀
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Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
why isn’t he texting back
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.