I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
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*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
I missed you with all my darts
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable