Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
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How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.