When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
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You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know