*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
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No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event