Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
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*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest