“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
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i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Sing it!
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
I only say stupid things when I talk.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”