birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
You Might Also Like
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue