My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
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Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.