I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
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I swear some people should be banned from cooking
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Eat…
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
anyone else like Italian cereal