Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
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Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.