It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
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Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
She was REALLY feeling it.
thank god
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me