Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
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A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.