People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
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You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.