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My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
i like to flex on them by shrugging
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
mood
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.