Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
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Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what