The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
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mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?