A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
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KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name