[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
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one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.