Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
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ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.