People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
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Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
I have no passwords left in me
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.