Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
You Might Also Like
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Oh hi lol
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up