“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
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What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.