You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
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[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Teach your children to beatbox
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked