Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
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Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
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.
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.
.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.