Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
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I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Still cracks me up
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.