My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
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Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
I love you to the refrigerator and back