Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
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My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?